What is Love?

This post was inspired by a conversation I had with a friend of mine last night. Both of us claim to be "scared" of love, yet it's something we yearn for almost more than anything. But do we even know what it really is? I admit I am one most guilty of using the term loosely as I describe many things for which I have a strong passion. I love peppermint patties, cheese grits, red velvet cake (ahhhh!!! Do I ever!), and mint chocolate chip ice cream. And I love love love all things Carolina. Absolutely. Definitely. Without a doubt. But it is not this kind of love I'm talking about. I'm talking about romantic love.

I remember walking into my first English class in college to the words 'What is Love?' written on the chalkboard. Our first writing assignment. To me this would be simple since my mind functions very literally. I would pull out my dictionary, define the word, cite the source, and be done with it. And then I'd figure out how to fill the other 3 pages to meet the minimum length requirement. Who needs 3 1/2 pages to define love? Oh, but did I get a rude awakening when I returned to class later in the week to find that most of my classmates had difficulty keeping it under 3 1/2 pages. What?! How could this be?! There are only so many ways and so many words to technically define love. Or are there?

To me, at that point in my life, 17 years old, love was a definition. A clear-cut, standard, baseline, simple sentence that everyone understood love to be. Now, exactly ten years later, at 27, I know that love is anything but clear-cut or standard. I can easily come up with what romantic love is not, but have a harder time coming up with what it is. How do you know when you have experienced it? Looking back over several relationships of mine, if I was asked at the time I was in each of them if I thought I was in love, I probably would have answered 'yes' each time. In retrospect, I see that wasn't the case at all. I have continued to breathe, continue to live, have moved on. So, then, does that mean love is relative? Could you be in love at one time and then not in love at another? And do you come to this realization that you are or were in love only when it is compared to something else? Is it static or is it continous and constantly moving? And how is it measured? Is it by the way you feel when a person leaves or is it by the sacrifices you make, or are willing to make, for a person? Does not being able to live, breathe without someone constitute being in love, feeling as though you've found someone to "complete" you. Is that love?

When I was little, I could entertain myself with a kaleidoscope for hours. I was mesmerized by all of the colors and endless possibilities of patterns and designs with every turn. I would turn towards a light source to see one design and then away from it to see a new one. I was convinced that each pattern and mixture of colors was far more beautiful than the one I had seen before it. I would call my mother over to see each design and get angry when a slight movement caused the pattern to change before she could look into the kaleidoscope herself. But each time she came running to see the design (even though she was certain it would not be the same once she reached me), my hand would move and change the pattern, and I'd try to explain to my mother how beautiful it was. But it was impossible to do so. She had not seen it herself, so she couldn't possibly imagine how perfect it was. Is this also true for love? Is love simply perception? Is it so subjective that I can't tell someone else what it is and they couldn't possibly tell me? One of those things that cannot be explained to someone if they have not or do not experience it themselves. And even experiencing love is not universal, so is it ever possible to define?

This leads me to wonder, then, how do you know when you've found it? How do you know that you wouldn't, if simply turned in a different direction, find another pattern more beautiful and perfect than the one before? One that doesn't leave you continuing to turn the kaleidoscope in search of something to rival the majesty of the pattern you currently see? Is there a spectrum of love? Does black fade to gray which fades to white? Or is it an absolute? Can we get so caught up in finding it, wanting it so bad that we miss it? Can we love the idea of being in love so much that what our idea of what love is may not be what love is at all? Another friend told me that "love never makes you feel unsure" as we discussed a recent relationship of mine. So how can you ever be sure? I read somewhere that power in any relationship lies with whoever cares less. When is the point when all of this goes out the window and you stop thinking about power and who has the upper hand and surrender all worry and caution and hesitancy and just simply...love? When do current and future partners stop paying for the mistakes of past ones? What does being sure even look like?

Some things that pop into my mind when I think of love is...a husband painting his pregnant wife's toenails because she can no longer reach her toes herself...raising a child with someone...having someone understand you when no one else does...knowing exactly what to say and when...imagining a lifetime with someone and then planning it together...a kiss before parting ways...a husband returning home from work and saying, "Honey, I'm home!" But then I realize that these things can just as easily occur outside the realm of love. And suggesting these as examples that capture the true essence of love seems to minimize its value.

Back to square one. And the question still remains for me......... What is Love?

Imagine life without breast cancer!

When I fell in love with running recently, I set out on this journey to run an unlimited number of races for causes that I passionately believed in. On Saturday, I ran in the Komen Race for the Cure 5k in Raleigh. The Meredith College campus was beautiful, although I will admit I didn't take the time to appreciate it the first go 'round during the Competitive 5k. I was too busy trying to survive the hills and was looking forward to the next sprinkler that would provide somewhat of a reprieve from the heat. My friend, Tonia, suggested that we also walk in the Recreational 5k an hour later in order to be among the survivors and other supporters, to continue our experience beyond the food and vendors and our earlier run. What a great idea! It was both inspiring and humbling to be among so many survivors of this terrible disease. As you looked around at the different "teams," everyone had a story, a loved one, a hope that brought them to that same spot as 25,000+ other people, fueled by celebration and/or memory, on that day. One team even raised $40,000 for cancer research, education, and preventative care!

In the weeks before the race, I solicited Facebook friends to provide me with the names of loved ones for whom they would like me to run "in celebration of" and/or "in memory of." I've never had a loved one diagnosed with breast cancer, but it is something I am passionate about due to its prevalence and the awareness that at any moment my distance from this disease could all of a sudden grow much closer than it is now. I was honestly unsure of how this would be received when I set this request as my status for a few days. I would like to think that I would provide a name of a loved one to someone else if they asked me. But part of me thinks that I might be selfish enough to refrain, maybe out of growing possessive of loved ones during their struggle. I imagine my thoughts might include, 'You don't know my grandmother, aunt, cousin, etc., so why would you want to have their name on your shirt?!' or 'You know nothing about what they went through or are still going through!' I'm embarassed to admit that, but it's true. Thank you to my Facebook friends who did not see this request in this light and allowed me to include your loved ones on my shirt.

My hope was that having these names on my shirt would provide me with an extra incentive to push myself harder during this race. To block out the environmental factors like the hills and the scorching heat, to push forward knowing that there wasn't anything during 3.1 miles that would provide me as big of a challenge as those people on my shirt have experienced, or are experiencing, with cancer. To get in the "zone" and reflect on those people, my friends who had provided these names and think of how they were impacted by their loved one's experience with cancer as well. My final time was 29:47, better than my goal time of 31:25. But I still felt guilty that I didn't push myself even harder. There were times that I selfishly stopped to walk when I looked up and saw a huge hill in front of me, maybe not even attempting to run it. Other times running halfway and then stopping. I was looking for water again after I had just passed water. I was looking for the finish line after every bend in the road, only to find that it turned out to be even more road. I was thankful that my "struggle" ended at 3.1 miles. When I crossed the finish line, I silently reflected on the fact that those people on my shirt would have gladly traded me 3.1 miles of hills and heat for their struggle. Many of them not knowing where their 'finish line' would be, but still pressing forward anyway with the same resolve as if the finish line was in plain view. Their course consisting of a far greater distance than 3.1 miles, much more sweat and long-term effects than my brief feeling of nausea after I finished.

The course weaved through residential neighborhoods along the outskirts of the campus as well. While we were walking the second race, we passed a house where a woman was sitting underneath a sign that read 'Twenty Year Survivor' as she cheered and waved at us. As we passed this house, a little girl walking beside me also noticed the sign and said, "Wow, she's been a survivor for almost three times as long as I've been alive." While I enjoyed the walk and joked around with my friends during this time, it was also a time of reflection and quietly observing others' experience of this day as well. This little girl's comment really put things into a new perspective, sent my mind wondering what the past 20 years have been like for that woman we passed sitting on her porch. Living each day, month, year wondering if the disease will return. Wondering if she will see children, grandchildren grow up. Witness marriages, birthdays, and graduations. Hoping for a cure during her lifetime so that experiencing these things seem more realistic than just wishing upon them.

It is impossible to describe the feeling of being among so many people who came together for the same cause. Especially in a time where hearing of wars and oil spills and politics that often divide so many people in opinion and values has become the norm. Not on this day. It was far greater than any of us individually. Breast cancer affects so many people--it doesn't discriminate and no one is exempt because of socioeconomic status or who you know. Many women are without access to preventative health care, which results in being diagnosed at a later stage, at which time fewer options for successful treatment are available. This should not be the case! We can all make a difference. Even if it's $30 to participate in a 5k or $10 donated through the website. Please excuse the cliche', but every dollar is one step closer to finding a cure for this disease, to providing preventative care to so many women without it, providing education on early detection, and research into a cure. We can all make an impact. Why would we not want to live in a world where we get to enjoy our mothers, sisters, grandmothers, daughters, cousins, aunts, friends, wives for as long as we possibly can?

I'm so thankful I was able to participate in this event. Healthy and with the ability to run and walk, unlike so many people who have lost their lives to this disease. I'm thankful for the people who provided me with the names of their loved ones and allowed me to walk "in memory of" and/or "in celebration of" them. Especially when someone's struggle with this disease can be so personal. And I'm thankful for my friends who participated in this experience with me, for putting up with all of my staged photos and following me on my quest for a Chick-fil-A sandwich, only to learn there were none.

I'm already looking forward to next year's race and I hope you will, too. I guarantee that you will leave with a renewed hope that the cure for breast cancer will be found during your lifetime.

So, this is what love feels like...

I'm so in love with...running!! This hasn't always been the case, though. After years of cheering, tumbling, and dancing where I was too hard-headed to listen to coaches telling me I was landing incorrectly when doing toe-touches and other jumps, my knees have grown intolerable to any type of high-impact exercise. Or so I thought. It's amazing the difference a great pair of shoes (the right shoes) and a change in technique can make. A couple of months ago, I decided to give running a second (make that fifth) chance in order to challenge myself and get out of this workout rut I felt like I had fallen into. I could take any class or use any machine at the gym, but you could not get me on a treadmill or running. Ever. And so the challenge began.

I think running is indescribable to someone who doesn't experience it for themselves. That may sound dramatic, but it's true. And I mean really running. There wasn't anything someone could have told me to make me love running before I tried it myself. Once you experience that "runner's high," I think you're pretty much hooked. It no longer seems like a mundane task you must complete before indulging in whatever junk food you prefer. It becomes this block of time where you're aware of nothing else going on around you. You're just running. You can think about everything. Or think about nothing at all. I find myself doing a little of both. Some days I have so much on my mind, I just run until I'm exhausted and I can't think anymore. And it's a great way to process things before making a decision or acting on impulse. I usually run for several miles if I'm debating something...like "Should I send that email?" or "Should I give them a piece of my mind?!" If I still want to do those things after I run, I'll either run some more or follow through with whatever I was debating if I'm confident in that decision. Other times I think about nothing and just allow myself to focus on my music and each movement I make. Either way, the feeling is the same when I'm finished. It's refreshing. It's exhausting. I'm left wanting more.

My first race was the Running of the Bulls 8k in Durham last Saturday to benefit the YMCA's youth programs and DurhamCares. Yep, 8k. I thought I was pretty much crazy for making an 8k my first race ever, without even having attempted a 5k to provide a baseline of sorts, giving me an idea of my time and help me set goals for the next race. Some coworkers of mine were already signed up and I just followed suit. Being in the race was such an adrenaline rush! And running 5 miles in 54:07 (not great, but survival was the goal, not speed!) provided such a sense of accomplishment. I would never have imagined I could run 5 miles at once. Swim, yes. I was used to swimming great distances with my competitive swim team growing up. But not run. Walking away from that race 30 minutes later, I was already looking forward to the next race! Later that day, I "rewarded" myself with two huge slices of Pepper's Pizza (and anyone who's been to Pepper's on Frankin Street knows this is not an exaggeration) with extra pepperoni and lots of red velvet cake. Let's just say it definitely turned into a punishment later that day and into Sunday. I wouldn't advise anyone to do that, although I'm probably the only one inexperienced enough to try that! I'll stick with watermelon and a bagel for the next post-race meal.

Two days from now, I'll be running the Komen Race for the Cure 5k in Raleigh. I'm running "in celebration of" Catina Hester, Cynthia Daye, Janie A. Reese, Amber Fair, Hettie Lyons x 2, and Sandra Rose. I'm also running "in memory of" Pat Buckner and Josephine "Polly" White. I imagine this will be a humbling experience as I run/walk among so many survivors of this terrible disease. I'll post pictures after the event. And if you have a name you'd like added to my shirt, please let me know on Facebook by tomorrow at 5 pm. I also plan to run a Half-Marathon (13.1 miles) with my friend, Tonia, in November. That race is dedicated to those who have served and are currently serving in our armed forces. I plan to run to honor my brother, Cpl. James Benefield, who just returned in February from a year-long tour in Iraq. I may not run 13.1 miles (actually, I know I won't), but I will cross that finish line if I have to crawl across it.

Here's the upcoming races I'm planning to run in. Feel free to join me in any one!

Komen Race for the Cure 5k; Raleigh, NC; 06/12/10

Lumbee Homecoming 5k; Pembroke, NC; 07/03/10

YWCA Race for Change 5k; High Point, NC; 08/28/10

Tunnel to Towers 5k; Wake Forest, NC; 09/11/10

Patrol Stroll to benefit MADD 5k; Raleigh, NC; 09/25/10

Battleship North Carolina Half-Marathon; Wilmington, NC; 11/07/10

Eve Carson Memorial 5k; Chapel Hill, NC; 11/20/10

So cheers to running! And running for causes greater than myself.

Help A Child With Cancer!!

As many of you know (and some don't), I'm the Director for the Chapel Hill Chapter of the Queen for a Day/Hero for a Day programs. These programs provide quality of life services through play therapy programs to pediatric cancer patients, mine being at UNC Children's Hospital (see, I did tie it into UNC for those of you wondering what the connection was!). Queen for a Day and Hero for a Day is part of the For a Day Foundation, which strives to provide exciting and therapeutic programs to children receiving treatment at major pediatric hospitals across the country.



The objective of the Queen for a Day and Hero for a Day programs is to help children feel better about themselves even when they're not feeling well. The physical and psychological effects of receiving cancer treatments can be so discouraging to children and adolescents, especially when these effects include hair loss, changes in skin tone and texture, and diminished self-esteem and confidence. The Queen for a Day program consists of manicures, makeovers, and dressing up with State and National titleholders (Miss North Carolina and Miss USA) where each girl receives her own sash and crown. The Hero for a Day program consists of celebrating the heroes in our community (law enforcement officers, fire/rescue, etc.), encouraging the patients to face their illness with bravery and courage. The children LOVE seeing the fire trucks, State Trooper and police cars, and ambulances! There are also games, pictures taken, and other activities that makes for a full day of excitement for the patients and volunteers. Of course these programs are not gender specific, so any child may participate in either program, regardless of gender, as these events are held simulataneously.

Since this is entirely voluntary, my event planning has been put on hold while I transitioned back to Greensboro and began a new position within a new agency. But I'm back at it and I need your help! I have plenty of connections in the pageant industry, but since I am no longer on Facebook, I need help with obtaining my "heroes" for upcoming events. If you know of any "hero" (Law Enforcement, Fire/Rescue/EMS, etc.) that would like to be part of an upcoming Hero for a Day event at the UNC Children's Hospital, please pass along my email address (ashleyward927@gmail.com) or link to this post so that we may discuss their participation further!

I am in the process of creating my own Chapter website, but you may visit the National website if you would like to learn more. http://www.qfad.org/ You can find more information about local chapters, information on how to start your own Chapter, or volunteer with a Chapter that has already been established.

There are no events planned at this time, but I will update info regarding the planning process in the near future.

Thanks for your help!

To Recruit Or Not To Recruit?

Kentucky lost. I'm glad. (Sorry, Daisy!) Even if it meant that my bracket was busted for good. I was so tired of hearing about John Wall and how Roy didn't recruit him and his reasons for not doing so. If they had continued winning and eventually won the Title, we would've never heard the end of it. I'm sure of it.

In doing my research, I've come across different things about John Wall that lead me to believe Roy was right in not recruiting him. Getting kicked out of schools for fighting, not doing well academically which resulted in getting kicked off a team, and various other things, led him to hop between different high schools in Raleigh before settling at a private Christian school where he was allowed to play basketball. Roy simply said he wasn't a "good fit" for Carolina when responding to questions about his lack of effort in recruiting Wall. I agree. Especially if these things I've uncovered while doing my research are true. Why bring negative publicity to Carolina? Yes, people can change. And I'm certainly one who believes in second chances. But these behaviors occurred over years, not a month or two or even three, which leads me to believe the behavior would be harder to correct.

Has everyone forgotten the many headlines involving college athletes that have been scattered across the past couple of seasons? Let's talk about the three Tennessee football players who robbed a convenient store. Yep, that seemed like the straw that broke the camel's back to send Lane running to USC. And Ty Lawson's DUI a couple of years ago? We heard about that briefly and then it "went away". And Blount punching the other player after being taunted after a close football game, which led debates on whether he should be suspended for an entire season or face an alternative consequence. I'm not so naive to think that other things don't happen and get swept under the rug that we never hear about. Any Google search will show you long histories of athletes' behaviors at any given school. I was disappointed in what I found on UNC! Disappointed, but not surprised. It's politics. But what I'm more interested in is the history of these players' behaviors before being recruited.

Several people I've talked with have had good arguments for recruiting a player with a questionable background, but none have won me over so far. Throughout the season, it was clear that Kentucky had just as good of a shot at the National Title as Kansas did as they flip-flopped between 1 and 2 in the polls each week. I admit I was more than a little nervous. No way did I want a team with a player many people expected Carolina to recruit to go on to win the most coveted title in college basketball. And each week when the polls came out, I'd have to hear someone remind me that we didn't recruit Wall. Everyone wants a National Title, but at what cost? Is it worth it to recruit a player who could potentially continue previous behaviors, bring negative publicity to the school, and then leave after only playing one year? Am I the only one who seems like this is selling our soul to the devil for a chance at a National Title?! That's exactly what it seems like to me.

Of course Kentucky coach John Calipari probably wouldn't quite see it this way. Especially not when controversy seems to follow him from school to school. When he was at UMass, star player Marcus Camby accepted gifts and prostitutes from an agent, which Calipari knew about. This violation required them to vacate their 1996 NCAA Tournament record. Then when he moved on to Memphis, he was successful at recruiting Dajuan Wagner after hiring his father as Coordinator of Basketball Operations. Calipari was also successful in securing Tyreke Evans' commitment when he hired Evans' strength coach as his administrative assistant. But nope, it doesn't stop there. Derrick Rose had his brother travel to all away games for free, as well as had someone else take his SAT's for him in order to meet Kentucky's minimum requirements for athletes to be admitted. These violations required Kentucky to vacate their entire 2007-2008 season. And that's just the things that have surfaced! Who knows what else we will never know. And yet Kentucky chose to pursue him as their coach, even after all of this controversy. I have yet to hear about any controversy swirling around Wall's recruitment process, but that kind of stuff usually comes out after a player has gone, so I'm sure it's only a matter of time. Then I will take the pleasure in writing a new post about why I'm still happy Roy didn't recruit him.

So if you ask me if it's worth it to recruit top players who may not have the pristine behavior to match their athletic abilities, I'd say no. I'm not expecting a player to never get into trouble. That's not what I'm saying at all. There has to be some evidence that a player has learned from past mistakes, and years of the same behaviors doesn't show growth and progress. And the risk of taking a player like this who could do more damage in negative publicity and morale in one year than can be repaired in a few years is far too great. I know my view is probably an unpopular one, but I don't care. I'll take a less than alright season (like this year) before taking a player who is great on the court but unpredictable off the court any day of the week.

And I'm willing to admit that part of the reason could be that I just don't like John Wall. I don't. He's a great basketball player with incredible ability. Coupled with DeMarcus Cousins, you have a lethal pair. But there is power in being humble. And humble is definitely not an adjective I would use to describe Wall. The opposite, actually. John Wall is so arrogant and self-centered, I can't stand it. The sound of his name makes me turn the channel and the sight of him irritates me. It annoys me that people at UK refer to him as "God" and that ridiculous dance he does makes him look foolish. And is that sleeve really medically necessary? I seriously doubt it. When players come a place of being on a pedestal and go to a place of being put on an even higher pedestal with a coach who does little to control these antics, it's difficult to be humble. Difficult, but not impossible. So congratulations, John, you succeeded at recruiting one of the most arrogant and deviant players in college basketball. Later, we'll find out what you did to get him in blue.

So yes, I took joy in seeing Kentucky lose. Even though I had them in the Championship game losing to Kansas and my bracket had long been busted. I didn't care. I was satisfied that I could hear less and less about how Roy didn't recruit Wall and get ready to move on to next season when our amazing recruits can, hopefully, get us out of this rut we're in. I hope Wall heads to the NBA and disappears into the sunset, never to be seen or heard again in college basketball. Yep, that's my hope.

When it comes to recruiting, it's all about who is a "good fit" for a particular school and the lengths a coach is willing to go to obtain these all-star players. Some coaches make decisions based on what will propel them forward personally and professionally without bothering to evaluate how their decisions will ripple throughout a team, a school, a community, a sport. And it's all about what allows you to go to sleep at night. I would like to think that Calipari is sleeping on a bed of gravel with a pillow made of stone for all the corruption that swirls around his name. But hey, you almost made it to the Final Four, so it was all worth it, right? Nope. Almost doesn't count.

Busted Bracket

I hate losing. Really hate losing. My bracket was totally busted when Syracuse, Kansas, Villanova, Ohio State, Temple, and Kentucky lost. There are others, but I'll stop there. This was the first year I participated in an official bracket challenge, so I was all about making sure my bracket was perfect, or near-perfect, so I'd come out on top. It wasn't about winning the money, it was about winning. Any other time, I'd hope to see as many upsets as possible because that's what makes the tourney exciting. Not this year. I wanted everything to go according to my bracket. Everything started going bad in the second round and it was all downhill from there. But it was fun seeing people change positions as the rounds progressed and looking at everyone else's brackets to see their picks. Then it was no longer fun when I hit bottom and stayed there.

Yep, last place:
http://games.espn.go.com/tcmen/en/group?groupID=17173

And now I have to endure a year of Duke fans gloating and talking junk. My best friend is a Duke fan. We don't even talk on game days. And now our friendship will consist of a year of dark blue, boasting, and a reminder of all the teams my Heels lost to on our way to the NIT. Yes, Duke is the National Champion. Ok, I said it. It's not surprising, though. Their path was the easiest with their region having the weakest seeds. But their final game didn't come as easy as most people thought...not like my Heels made it look last year that prompted some people to file out of the Dean Dome early and start the celebration on Franklin Street before the final buzzer even sounded. Nope. They were worried. Right down to Butler's last-second shot that made you hold your breath as you watched it travel from almost halfcourt as it hit the rim and bounced away. What a perfect Cinderella ending that would have been. Who would've ever thought that Butler could've made it this far? And although I like Jennifer Hudson, I don't like her singing 'One Shining Moment.' That's just one of those things you don't mess with. Leave it to Luther.

Let's hope Roy and the boys can get it together next year because I'm already counting down to basketball season. Our recruits are inheriting a mess to clean up. In the meantime, I'll enjoy baseball and football. Starting with the Spring Blue-White game this Saturday. Hopefully we'll see what we have to look forward to this football season.

GO BUTLER!!

The article says it all!! I couldn't have described the hatred for Duke better myself...

http://www.news-record.com/content/2010/04/01/article/blue_devils_despised_and_it_starts_with_coach_k

What Is Your Legacy?

I've been meaning to write another entry to correspond with the anniversary of the death of our beloved Student Body President, Eve Carson. However, this post is a little late to mark the exact date of her passing as last week made two years since Eve was taken. I could say I've been busy or haven't had access to a computer. But there are no excuses for this, so I will offer none.

Finding out of Eve's murder was one of those moments where you remember exactly where you were and what you were doing at that time. For me, at least. I remember getting a text alert from Alert!Carolina informing me that a shooting victim had been found off-campus and an investigation was ongoing. I appreciated the text, but dismissed it as something that I probably wouldn't hear about again. NEVER did I imagine that I would receive an email later that day notifying the UNC community that this victim was our own Eve Marie Carson.

I sat there stunned as I read the email over and over. Really? Are you sure? This can't be. I visited with denial and even bargained a bit. Typical cycle of grief and loss. I wanted to know WHY and WHO and HOW could someone do this. I was at my internship placement at Duke Medical Center, unable to focus and exercise mindfulness to fulfill my duties for that day. As details came out over the course of the next few weeks, I grew angrier and angrier.

While I never personally knew Eve, I did have conversations with her as she campaigned for SBP and listened as she spoke on several occasions. But you didn't have to personally know Eve to know what an invaluable member of our community, and the world in general, she was. I remember walking from the Student Union to the School of Social Work every day and reading all of the campaign signs that lined the sidewalks. Eve's, in particular, stood out. This is because hers was a vagina formed by the letters of her name. Yep, you heard right. A vagina. I never paid much attention to the posters and signs until now. I figured I was a graduate student...as long as I get my basketball tickets through the lottery and I don't have to worry about parking, I'm good. Way to be a contributing member of society, I know, but I figured I'd only be there for two years (much unlike undergraduates who have four years, but most often close to five), and during that time I had other things to worry about. But I stood there staring at Eve's sign, quite bold, might I add, which prompted me to want to learn more about her campaign, her passions, and her vision for Carolina.

Being my second year of graduate school, I was focused on graduating. It was March and the finish line was in sight. I was comfortable. I felt secure in my community and the world at large. Eve's murder brought all of this crashing down. I adjusted my activities and commutes. I wondered about my safety and wondered about the inherent good in the world that I had always assumed. The fishbowl of my world was no longer this nest of safety, but a huge tank of questions and worry. How could something like this happen in small-town Chapel Hill? I began seeing shows discussing Eve's case...Nancy Grace (yes, I know most people despise her), Court TV, local news stations. While I enjoy most of these shows, either for entertainment purposes or information, you never want to see a case that you're personally connected to. It was devastating.




In the days to follow, many things were organized to honor and remember Eve. The most memorable was the service held in the Dean Dome, which I was able to attend. Packed with students, friends, professors, and administrators, we were all there for one reason: to remember Eve. As her bio circulated, you revisit with denial and, again, wonder how someone who has already done so much good in the world be taken from us? She wanted to leave this legacy of service and passion and inspiration to those who followed. I was excited to learn that a garden (pictured above) was created and dedicated to Eve on March 4 on UNC's campus. How appropriate that a place be created to provide solace and peace for passersby when that's exactly what Eve offered to so many of us when she was here.

I've also struggled with some of my values and beliefs since Eve's passing. Namely, my opposition to the death penalty. I have to say I've never been one to be in full, hard-core support of the death penalty for several reasons. Inherent biases in the criminal justice system against particular groups of people, just to mention one. But in the immediate days after this event, I knew I wanted the ultimate punishment for these people! My anger was so intense I was unable to reason that anything short of this would be an acceptable sanction. Eventually, as my anger dwindled and I attempted to return balance to my life, I realized that no punishment could be proportionate to the pain these people have caused.

Graduation was bittersweet. I stood on the football field surrounded by a massive sea of blue undergraduates. The weather was so gloomy and the rain was never ending. Everyone had on buttons that simply said 'Eve'. That's all they needed to say. We all remembered. How could we forget? The weather perfectly illustrated my emotions at the time, despite my feeling of overwhelming accomplishment. Eve should have been there. I imagined what she might have said on this day. I imagined she would repeat a previous statement of hers: "World, inspire me! Share with me just hints of your glory and atrocity!" As simple as these two sentences, Eve's passion and enthusiasm, faith and eagerness are clearly evident.

So, with this post, I prompt you to examine what your legacy will be. What will people remember about you? Will they say nice things about you? (In reference to a line from one of Eve's favorite songs, 'Carolina in My Mind' by James Taylor).

"I love UNC. I love the quad in the spring and the arboretum in the fall. I love the Pit on a sunny day and Graham Memorial Lounge on a rainy one. I love Roy all the time. But what makes UNC truly special is not our beautiful campus, our distinguished reputation or even our basketball team. It's us--the student body--who make UNC what it is." --Eve Marie Carson

You can read Eve's bio here: http://universityrelations.unc.edu/alert/carson/

Less Is More

This phrase can be applied to so many situations: accessorizing, makeup, hair, talking. And yes, basketball. Or sports in general. When I'm wearing an especially flashy necklace, I usually skip earrings. Or wear small studs that don't detract from the necklace. And vice versa. I never spray my hair down or perfectly style it. I don't pack on makeup to make people wonder what I really look like under the caked-on mess. Anyone can pile on makeup, jewelry, and wear the same hairstyle as everyone else. With sports, it's the same way, in my opinion. If there are less teams that can qualify for a field, it seems to be more appealing. If everyone could do it, what's the challenge?

The NCAA is considering expanding its field of 64 teams that play in the NCAA Tournament to 96 teams. 96 teams ! This comes almost seven years after the ACC was expanded from 9 teams to 12 teams to include Virginia Tech, Miami, and Boston College. This resulted in a varied schedule that doesn't allow each team to play twice in each season. Personally, I'd like my team to have a chance at a rematch against a team that may have beaten us when we played them the first time. Many years we don't even play Wake Forest in football. Other years we alternate playing Miami. But one thing is for sure: you can count on UNC playing Duke every year. Twice.

Why is this? Money. Sports generate so much money that everyone is always looking to capitalize on intense rivalries, home-court/home-field advantages, and the chance that an underdog may surprise everyone and come out with a win. Of course Carolina/Duke is the biggest rivalry in all of sports. (At least *I* think so). This matchup will always bring in the big bucks, regardless of how good or bad either team is during any given season. Five years after the ACC was expanded, contracts secured with ABC and ESPN doubled the annual income of previous TV deals. That's great. I'm sure these people aren't thinking about that die-hard fan who doesn't want to wait 3 years to see his team play another team simply because the conference was expanded. Schedules are made depending on the history of revenue made from each matchup, which dictates the frequency of these games. What fun is that? This means that some fans would have to wait any number of years to have the opportunity to rush the field/court after winning a big game since the matchup probably wouldn't happen every year. Like UNC beating Miami a few years ago. The yearly anticipation of these games is what makes sports exciting!

I think that knowing there are only 64 slots available at the end of a basketball season to have a shot at a National Championship makes teams play so much harder throughout the year. I know some of you are thinking it's easy for me to take such a stance when my team is usually in the Top 25 and doesn't have to worry about being left out of the Tournament. However, in an off year (like this season), I would feel the same way. If I know that my team hasn't performed at an NCAA Tournament level, they should be left out. I would still disagree with the expansion, even if it meant that my team would be included. If you really look at it (and I mean really), what are the chances that a Cinderella team, who would benefit most from the expansion of the field, would go on to win the National Championship? This expansion would only serve to increase revenue related to this post-season battle for the top spot. Period. But doesn't this water down the quality of the teams appearing in the Tournament? I know it was fun watching Davidson defy the odds with Stephen Curry's fascinating quickness and great shot, eliminating teams along the way. But when it's all said and done, they still couldn't measure up to the size and quickness of the major conferences with the top ten teams.

Some people argue that it's difficult to decide who's in and who's out when the time comes in March. Not for me. Yes, there is little disparity between those last teams in and several other teams. In that case, it's usually based on conference tournaments and luck of the draw. Such is life. Go pout about it. Otherwise, I imagine the disparity between the first 20 teams in and the last 32 teams in (if it were expanded to 96 teams) would be huge! No, thank you. I don't care to watch 32 teams that I know couldn't possibly win the title.

I've heard many arguments for this expansion and have remained open-minded about how this could improve the quality of basketball. I have yet to hear one that has me fully convinced this is the way to go. I know I'm being naive to think that decisions are based on the love of the game and to cater to those die-hard fans who show up for every game, rain or shine, win or lose. I'm aware these decisions are made from a business perspective and probably by someone who doesn't know the difference between a charge and a block or the foul line and the baseline. How much more exciting sports would be if these decisions were made by the fan who camps out for tickets and paints himself/herself for games!

I'm not dumb...I realize that money runs everything. Or most everything. No, everything. UNC and Duke, Kansas and Texas (etc.) are so good because the name of the school and the histories behind these names allows for the recruitment of top players throughout the country. Money is exposure. Money is incentive. Money is security. Heck, money even leads refs to make calls in a team's favor (NBA) that eventually has them winning the game. In the end, I just feel like expanding the field of teams that plays in the NCAA Tournament would make it less appealing to the people who really want to watch. Like myself. If everyone is included, what would be the incentive to play especially hard throughout the season? Trying to fit into 64 slots sure is far more difficult than 96.

Jim Calhoun, Head Coach of the UConn men's basketball team is the only coach thus far who I've heard disagree with this expansion. Or verbally disagree, I should say. There may be others who haven't voiced their opinion on this matter who also disagree. I never thought I'd see the day that I'd agree wholeheartedly with something Coach Calhoun has said, but I'm sure glad it's here. Jim Calhoun for NCAA President!

A House Divided?

I am constantly seeing vanity plates that have "House Divided" on them as they display the logos of two different teams/schools. This baffles me to no end. And I go through the same thought process each time I see one. This means that everyone in that household does not celebrate the same victories, and I most often assume it's the partner pairing of the house as opposed to siblings or other extended family members. It makes me want to walk up to the person driving and ask for an explanation...how did you meet and what could you possibly have to talk about if you don't agree on teams?!

The most shocking of them all is the one that has Carolina and Duke together. What?! We are brought up to strongly dislike (I was trying to refrain from using the word 'hate') the other, so how on Earth did this union occur?! If two people feel as strongly about their team as the other, I imagine that makes for one chaotic household. If there's ever an imbalance of passion, then one person is more a fairweather fan than a die-hard, so that doesn't count. I'm talking about the hard-core, intense, anger-management-issues-when-we-lose type of fans. And I would have serious anger management issues if I lived with someone who rejoiced in a Carolina loss. And there would be plenty of nights sleeping on the couch for him.

I don't know about anyone else, but I have my list of negotiables and non-negotiables when considering someone a potential lifelong partner, husband, future father of my children, etc. Being a Carolina fan is definitely a non-negotiable!! This may seem petty to some and of little significance in the grand scheme of things, but it's important to me. And I know myself. Pretending that it doesn't bother me would be short-lived. To me, negotiables are more like dating someone that might not be as tall as I'd like or maybe has blonde or black hair instead of brown. But it's the same as politics, religion, parenting styles, and money management; a lot of people don't negotiate on these things when deciding who to pursue a relationship with. How do you decide what season tickets to purchase? You can't possibly attend every game for two teams. And who decides what team your children will cheer for? What alumni club gets your annual donation?

I will admit it's fun to have friends of opposing teams to talk junk to and make friendly wagers on games when we play one another. But that's all they will ever be. Just friends. Anything more and it's like fraternizing with the enemy. You just don't do it. Many women pursue a relationship with someone recognizing there are things they don't like about a person, but think they can eventually change those things and everything will be all good. Nope. Not gonna happen. He's not likely to convert to being a fan of your team if he hasn't already. Period.

From the looks of things when I'm out and about, there are enough combinations of "houses divided" to keep the vanity plate folks in business. Opposites may attract and seem exciting in the beginning. But once the newness wears off and the honeymoon phase is over, the madness will hit you like a ton of bricks. And what's the reality that a relationship based on disagreement could sustain a lifetime of discord?! We're supposed to be on the same side here! Who wants to spend the rest of their life with an opponent?!

I don't know about all these crazy people driving around with these plates. I bet they're included in the 50% of marriages that fail. I do know one thing: me and everyone in my house will be Carolina fans. Everything else is just details.

Carolina In My Mind

This week has been full of ups and downs and a wide range of emotions, to say the least. I accepted a position in Greensboro and relocated there over the past weekend. Yes, the weekend that brought over half a foot of snow in some places and made moving that much more difficult. Driving down I-40 with my car (my new car at that!) packed with random things while I drive 20 mph so as not to slide on the ice/snow is not my idea of fun. My family has also been impatiently waiting to learn when my brother would return from Iraq after being deployed for almost a year with the Army. We knew we would only get a few hours' notice, a day if we were lucky, of his return. And we wanted to make sure we were wherever he was when he got off that bus with his fellow soldiers. So, as you can see, a very wide range of emotions.

My decision to accept a new position and relocate to Greensboro was well informed and greatly contemplated, so I thought. My previous position was working at a perinatal residential substance abuse program through UNC. I provided services to women and their children while they worked on their recovery from substance abuse at our facility. I was passionate about it and gave everything I had. I made the well-known lists of pros and cons for accepting this new position and added to it daily as new things crossed my mind. My desire to embark on a new challenge professionally and to be closer to family is what fueled my search for another job and eventually accepting it. And also because I noticed that my work was becoming my life and I was well on the path to burnout if I didn't do something fast. So, needless to say, I ended up with more pros on my list than cons.

I was confident in my decision and had a solid game plan. The plan was to stay with my parents for a maximum of six months to save up money to buy a home. I had already found the perfect home as I was browsing on the internet one day. A cute little townhouse a few miles from my parents' home and several more miles from my grandparents'. Three bedrooms and two and a half baths. The back patio area was fenced in and had cute little tile walkways, perfect for entertaining people any time of year. I was already decorating it in my mind...tan walls and elephants in my living room, Marilyn Monroe and Jackie-O inspired things in my bedroom. Neutral bathrooms. One room just for Carolina-related things. I had even set out to Lowe's in search of the perfect shade of Carolina blue for my "Carolina room" and I would not be happy if it was named anything other than "Carolina Blue." I couldn't wait to line up my autographed basketballs and hang up the framed Daily Tar Heel that was printed the day after we won the 2009 Championship. I just knew that my love for this house would intensify once I saw it in person and I would be further convinced it was for sale just for me. But that's not how it happened at all. Seeing this place in person made me sad. Not because it wasn't as cute as it was in the pictures on the internet. But because I felt like I was "cheating" on Chapel Hill by even entertaining the possibility that I could buy a home in Greensboro. Would buying a house in Greensboro mean that I might never live in Chapel Hill again? Was I ok with this? Was I settling? I never realized how much I would miss Chapel Hill until I was standing in front of the home I had set my heart on just a week before.

My first day at my new job on Monday brought even more doubt. It was definitely a change of pace from my last job, where I had to divert an unlimited number of crises (and everything is a crisis in residential treatment, just so you know) and I rarely actually left for a lunch break. I usually ate at my desk while I typed up documentation notes or researched some resource for a client. I shared a small amount of space with another person who has become one of my best friends. I was used to it after being there almost two years. My new position came with a huge office that contained a huge desk, couch (Carolina blue!), two leather armchairs and a modern-looking table between the chairs. I had to ask them if they were sure it was my office! They were worried I wouldn't like the lamp. What?! Are you serious, people? I just came from an office a little over half this space and I shared it with another person! I'll take whatever lamp you give me! I soon became restless because no one was ambushing my office demanding I do something for them or my phone wasn't ringing off the hook or I didn't have eight voicemails to listen to and return calls. I just sat and looked out of my window overlooking the children's playground and wondered if I could do this. In silence, might I add. I had learned to thrive on adrenaline and entitled clients and people hating me because I said 'no' one time too many. There was none of that here. And I definitely can't step outside and be on Franklin Street. And the buses aren't free here. And I should be watching basketball games at my Aunt T's house, eating good food, and being amused at how my uncle sometimes wanders aimlessly around the house. There were starting to be more cons than pros on my list. Now what?

My brother returned home from Iraq today! There aren't enough exclamation points to express my excitement!!!!! I have written him often during his deployment, sent huge care packages, and missed his presence infinitely. After a semi-rough week of questioning my decision to relocate and change jobs, I saw my "buyers remorse" fade away after seeing my brother for the first time in almost a year. I was immediately able to notice the changes in his expessions, his physical appearance, and his voice (that I also haven't heard in almost a year). We have all been counting down the days, even though we had no end number to look forward to. Like when you were little and you made those paper chains and tore one chain off each day until you were left with no chains. It was the first time I was ecstatic to be in Greensboro since I've moved back. We're all in one house again, just like we used to be. And I'm looking forward to getting to know my brother again and learning about his experience in Iraq that has changed him forever.

I know it sounds selfish of me to be questioning my decision to take a new job when so many people are looking for a job and don't even get a return call from hundreds of applications they've submitted. I'm thankful for my new job. I am. And I realize it's nothing compared to waiting to see if your child is accepted into preschool, trying to figure out your child's food allergies, or being on bed rest to keep the baby you're carrying as healthy and safe as possible. But I guess it's my equivalent right now. A major life change. I'm adjusting and finding the positive. Another being that I get a full hour for lunch where I actually leave the building. How refreshing. But I know that I will get restless at this job as well. And I'll be on my way again.

Right now, I know that Greensboro is where I'm supposed to be. I haven't changed my location on my Facebook profile to say I no longer live in Chapel Hill, though. Not sure I ever will. You can't fight where you heart wants to be. I expect (and hope) that, one day, all roads will lead back to Chapel Hill. When that day comes, I hope Chapel Hill will have me back. In the meantime, I'm gone to Carolina in my mind.

Fairweather Fans=Fairweather Friends?

If it's one thing I can't stand, it's fairweather fans. We all know someone who claims to be for one team and then as soon as they lose, disown that team forever (or until they begin winning again). I felt it appropriate to write about this issue on the eve of what could continue to be the longest losing streak since the 2003-2004 season for our men's basketball team. Roy's boys have lost three games in a row and tomorrow could be the fourth. There could be many reasons for this losing streak. We have a young team and they're still learning how to work together. Tyler Hansbrough, Wayne Ellington, Danny Green, and Ty Lawson had to learn to work together, too. It didn't, and doesn't, happen overnight. Or it could be that some people just expect to automatically be good because of the name on the front of their jersey. Despite the reason, we support our team. We hang in there. We grow with them.

It doesn't take much effort to notice how things change once we begin losing. Those fairweather fans start to drop off the radar. On one hand, I get excited about this because it makes everything so much more accessible and my seats that much closer. On the other hand, I can't help but wonder if these same people are also fairweather friends. You know, those who are nowhere to be found when the going gets tough; the ones who are only around when you can do something for them. Could those same people who leave empty blue seats scattered throughout the Smith Center be the same people who leave you on the side of the road with a flat tire? It's not even about the team you support (although if I had my way, everyone would be Carolina fans), it's about loyalty. Pick a team, any team. And stick with it! Show that you can commit and see something through to the end, in good times or in bad ones. That's far more respectable than a flip-flopping, disassociative, only-support-my-team-when-I-can-talk-junk-to-other-people type of fan.


My cousin, Joe, is oftentimes a reminder of a true blue fan for me. I'll ask him his thoughts on an upcoming game and he always replies something like, "Oh, we've got this," as he dismisses any analyst's predictions of a loss for us. Unwavering and loyal. And as a faithful member of Carolina Fever, it's quite possible that you've seen him get plenty of air time on ESPN's family of networks as he stands on the front row of the riser section underneath Carolina's basket. Scoring a seat like this could mean having to arrive up to two hours before the game. Or he could be sitting in the Tar Pit dressed as Darth Vader at a football game (as pictured to the right). And yes, I have a blue wig myself and no, I don't care that you don't wish to be seen with me when I'm wearing it. I was also the only one at College GameDay holding up a UNC sign when visiting my cousin, Anna, at Tennessee. And for that, I got my sign autographed by and a picture taken with Hubert Davis. I bleed Tar Heel blue.




In his book, "Hard Work: A Life On and Off the Court," Roy talks about how he doesn't understand why people expect a National Championship year after year, without first acknowledging the hard work required to attain this title. Acknowledging such would eliminate or minimize the unrealistic expectation that consecutive titles could be easily earned. Roy talks about how, in 2005, he returned home from the National Championship game to posters and banners in his yard from fans, boasting that our team and coach were the best. Then 2009 came around...he returned home after winning another Championship to his yard just as he left it, void of any sign that fans had once been there. Roy said he felt like the 2005 Championship was appreciated more than the 2009 one because we weren't regarded as the unanimous pick to win the whole "dadgum" thing. It was expected rather than hoped for. All through the 2008-2009 season, everyone expected us to bring home another Championship, even President Obama. Roy said that someone even had the audacity, the day after winning the 2009 Championship, to tell him that he (the fan) was looking forward to us winning it all again next year as well. Really?! The simmering remains of the fires that were built in celebration on Franklin Street the night before were probably not even cleaned up yet when this fan was wishing away a year in hopes of obtaining another title.

Roy knows a thing or two about loyalty. I have to admit I was selfishly angry when he turned down the Carolina job the first time to remain at Kansas. But after reading his book, it all made sense. He promised his freshman class at Kansas that he would see them through to graduation or when they decided to leave, not him. It was then that I realized I could wait a couple more years for Roy to fulfill his promise to a group of Kansas players and end up at Carolina after holding up his end of the bargain than to have him at that moment as our coach and wonder if he'd eventually turn on us as well. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. I'm excited to know that Roy is here to stay.



What ever happened to enjoying the ride? There will be ups and there will be downs. Losing something makes you appreciate it that much more when you finally experience it again. It's more fun to hope for something than to expect it. If a person's loyalty to their team is indicative of their loyalty to a friend, I'd prefer to be left standing with one other person in an empty Dean Dome during a losing season than surrounded by hundreds of screaming fans at the end of a winning one.

As for now, I'm still savoring the 2005 Championship. The 2009 Championship was just the cherry on top. That should be music to Roy's ears.

Tar Heel Born, Tar Heel Bred

I am Carolina. Just like my former classmates, current students, those who just attend sporting events, and those who've never stepped foot on campus but are still die-hard fans. I know it sounds cliche' and unoriginal, especially for those of you who attend home football and basketball games and are used to viewing the "I am a Tar Heel" slide show during halftime and television time-outs, but it's true. During the slideshow, we see past and current Tar Heel greats support the Rams Club by stating, "My name is [insert name] and I'm a Tar Heel." Everyone cheers especially loud when it gets to Michael Jordan, Hakeem Nicks, and good ole Roy. We all make Carolina what it is, past and present. This slide show never gets old. For me, at least. Just like the feeling of being in the Dean Dome, on Franklin Street, or singing "Hark the Sound" after athletic events will get me just as excited as the time before.

I'm not sure exactly where it all started. My Aunt Teresa, my mother's oldest sister, was the first one in the family to attend UNC. I'm inclined to think it was at that time that my Nana (pictured) became this crazy intense fan that is so unlike any other part of her life. As long as I can remember, Nana and I watched every UNC basketball game together, dressed in some UNC clothing or another. The only time I heard her raise her voice was in front of the television during these games, where she protested some call from the refs or an intentional foul from another player. Of course it was never over a bad play called by Dean or a turnover from our own players. I'd say we did more jumping and pacing in front of the television than sitting down, but these were the best of times.


I was notified of my acceptance to UNC to receive my Masters of Social Work on February 13, 2006. I can remember the moment quite vividly. I actually fell down in the middle of the driveway holding the letter. I called my mother at work and demanded she come home to see if I read the letter correctly. I was in disbelief that this long-awaited, much-longed-for, hoping and dreaming, if-I-don't-get-into-UNC-I'll-die, moment was actually happening. But it was. So many things flashed in my mind: the Dean Dome, Franklin Street, and that bright color of orange the leaves turn in October near the Old Well. It sounds dramatic, I know, but so true. And I could not wait to get to Chapel Hill. Once there, I tried to soak in everything, knowing that the two years required to complete my program would pass quickly. I oftentimes opted to walk to class instead of catch the bus at the Union like many other students did. Even though walking meant tripping on the uneven bricks that saturate the campus, it allowed me to take in as much as I could and remember these things for the days I'd no longer frequent the campus. The seasons changed, construction began and finished (or didn't finish), people threw frisbees on the perfectly manicured grasses, and sunbathers appeared at the first sight of sun in March. I even thought it smelled different than any other place on Earth. I was in love and I never wanted it to end.

I thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts and experiences about Carolina, even if you're not a die-hard fan like myself. I debated on what my blog should be about...after soliciting advice from Facebook friends, I was told to pick something I am passionate about, love, believe in, connects me to a lot of people, and impacts my life. I made a list that included, but not limited to, reality shows, relationships, work, and life in general. I am not an expert in any of these areas. As I thought about it, I felt like my passion to write about the previously mentioned things would eventually dwindle, but I knew that my passion for Carolina would not. I am a lover of all things UNC. March Madness is a year-long mindset for me, not just a description of the atmosphere in March and the play that determines where your basketball team will end up (or not end up) in April. I assume I'll discuss things as they occur...it's now basketball season, so I anticipate quite a few posts on various things related to basketball. I imagine I'll do the same when football rolls around, as well as other events/issues related to Carolina on which I have an opinion. I won't recite stats or delve into 1934 (I just picked a random year) history to support a statement I make, I just plan on saying what I want to say, how I want to say it. The one thing that will be consistently evident in each post, irregardless of topic, is my passion and love for Carolina. I hope you enjoy reading my posts as much as I enjoy writing them.

I may not be on the JumboTron at halftime, but my name is Ashley and I am, and always will be, a Tar Heel.