What is Love?

This post was inspired by a conversation I had with a friend of mine last night. Both of us claim to be "scared" of love, yet it's something we yearn for almost more than anything. But do we even know what it really is? I admit I am one most guilty of using the term loosely as I describe many things for which I have a strong passion. I love peppermint patties, cheese grits, red velvet cake (ahhhh!!! Do I ever!), and mint chocolate chip ice cream. And I love love love all things Carolina. Absolutely. Definitely. Without a doubt. But it is not this kind of love I'm talking about. I'm talking about romantic love.

I remember walking into my first English class in college to the words 'What is Love?' written on the chalkboard. Our first writing assignment. To me this would be simple since my mind functions very literally. I would pull out my dictionary, define the word, cite the source, and be done with it. And then I'd figure out how to fill the other 3 pages to meet the minimum length requirement. Who needs 3 1/2 pages to define love? Oh, but did I get a rude awakening when I returned to class later in the week to find that most of my classmates had difficulty keeping it under 3 1/2 pages. What?! How could this be?! There are only so many ways and so many words to technically define love. Or are there?

To me, at that point in my life, 17 years old, love was a definition. A clear-cut, standard, baseline, simple sentence that everyone understood love to be. Now, exactly ten years later, at 27, I know that love is anything but clear-cut or standard. I can easily come up with what romantic love is not, but have a harder time coming up with what it is. How do you know when you have experienced it? Looking back over several relationships of mine, if I was asked at the time I was in each of them if I thought I was in love, I probably would have answered 'yes' each time. In retrospect, I see that wasn't the case at all. I have continued to breathe, continue to live, have moved on. So, then, does that mean love is relative? Could you be in love at one time and then not in love at another? And do you come to this realization that you are or were in love only when it is compared to something else? Is it static or is it continous and constantly moving? And how is it measured? Is it by the way you feel when a person leaves or is it by the sacrifices you make, or are willing to make, for a person? Does not being able to live, breathe without someone constitute being in love, feeling as though you've found someone to "complete" you. Is that love?

When I was little, I could entertain myself with a kaleidoscope for hours. I was mesmerized by all of the colors and endless possibilities of patterns and designs with every turn. I would turn towards a light source to see one design and then away from it to see a new one. I was convinced that each pattern and mixture of colors was far more beautiful than the one I had seen before it. I would call my mother over to see each design and get angry when a slight movement caused the pattern to change before she could look into the kaleidoscope herself. But each time she came running to see the design (even though she was certain it would not be the same once she reached me), my hand would move and change the pattern, and I'd try to explain to my mother how beautiful it was. But it was impossible to do so. She had not seen it herself, so she couldn't possibly imagine how perfect it was. Is this also true for love? Is love simply perception? Is it so subjective that I can't tell someone else what it is and they couldn't possibly tell me? One of those things that cannot be explained to someone if they have not or do not experience it themselves. And even experiencing love is not universal, so is it ever possible to define?

This leads me to wonder, then, how do you know when you've found it? How do you know that you wouldn't, if simply turned in a different direction, find another pattern more beautiful and perfect than the one before? One that doesn't leave you continuing to turn the kaleidoscope in search of something to rival the majesty of the pattern you currently see? Is there a spectrum of love? Does black fade to gray which fades to white? Or is it an absolute? Can we get so caught up in finding it, wanting it so bad that we miss it? Can we love the idea of being in love so much that what our idea of what love is may not be what love is at all? Another friend told me that "love never makes you feel unsure" as we discussed a recent relationship of mine. So how can you ever be sure? I read somewhere that power in any relationship lies with whoever cares less. When is the point when all of this goes out the window and you stop thinking about power and who has the upper hand and surrender all worry and caution and hesitancy and just simply...love? When do current and future partners stop paying for the mistakes of past ones? What does being sure even look like?

Some things that pop into my mind when I think of love is...a husband painting his pregnant wife's toenails because she can no longer reach her toes herself...raising a child with someone...having someone understand you when no one else does...knowing exactly what to say and when...imagining a lifetime with someone and then planning it together...a kiss before parting ways...a husband returning home from work and saying, "Honey, I'm home!" But then I realize that these things can just as easily occur outside the realm of love. And suggesting these as examples that capture the true essence of love seems to minimize its value.

Back to square one. And the question still remains for me......... What is Love?

Imagine life without breast cancer!

When I fell in love with running recently, I set out on this journey to run an unlimited number of races for causes that I passionately believed in. On Saturday, I ran in the Komen Race for the Cure 5k in Raleigh. The Meredith College campus was beautiful, although I will admit I didn't take the time to appreciate it the first go 'round during the Competitive 5k. I was too busy trying to survive the hills and was looking forward to the next sprinkler that would provide somewhat of a reprieve from the heat. My friend, Tonia, suggested that we also walk in the Recreational 5k an hour later in order to be among the survivors and other supporters, to continue our experience beyond the food and vendors and our earlier run. What a great idea! It was both inspiring and humbling to be among so many survivors of this terrible disease. As you looked around at the different "teams," everyone had a story, a loved one, a hope that brought them to that same spot as 25,000+ other people, fueled by celebration and/or memory, on that day. One team even raised $40,000 for cancer research, education, and preventative care!

In the weeks before the race, I solicited Facebook friends to provide me with the names of loved ones for whom they would like me to run "in celebration of" and/or "in memory of." I've never had a loved one diagnosed with breast cancer, but it is something I am passionate about due to its prevalence and the awareness that at any moment my distance from this disease could all of a sudden grow much closer than it is now. I was honestly unsure of how this would be received when I set this request as my status for a few days. I would like to think that I would provide a name of a loved one to someone else if they asked me. But part of me thinks that I might be selfish enough to refrain, maybe out of growing possessive of loved ones during their struggle. I imagine my thoughts might include, 'You don't know my grandmother, aunt, cousin, etc., so why would you want to have their name on your shirt?!' or 'You know nothing about what they went through or are still going through!' I'm embarassed to admit that, but it's true. Thank you to my Facebook friends who did not see this request in this light and allowed me to include your loved ones on my shirt.

My hope was that having these names on my shirt would provide me with an extra incentive to push myself harder during this race. To block out the environmental factors like the hills and the scorching heat, to push forward knowing that there wasn't anything during 3.1 miles that would provide me as big of a challenge as those people on my shirt have experienced, or are experiencing, with cancer. To get in the "zone" and reflect on those people, my friends who had provided these names and think of how they were impacted by their loved one's experience with cancer as well. My final time was 29:47, better than my goal time of 31:25. But I still felt guilty that I didn't push myself even harder. There were times that I selfishly stopped to walk when I looked up and saw a huge hill in front of me, maybe not even attempting to run it. Other times running halfway and then stopping. I was looking for water again after I had just passed water. I was looking for the finish line after every bend in the road, only to find that it turned out to be even more road. I was thankful that my "struggle" ended at 3.1 miles. When I crossed the finish line, I silently reflected on the fact that those people on my shirt would have gladly traded me 3.1 miles of hills and heat for their struggle. Many of them not knowing where their 'finish line' would be, but still pressing forward anyway with the same resolve as if the finish line was in plain view. Their course consisting of a far greater distance than 3.1 miles, much more sweat and long-term effects than my brief feeling of nausea after I finished.

The course weaved through residential neighborhoods along the outskirts of the campus as well. While we were walking the second race, we passed a house where a woman was sitting underneath a sign that read 'Twenty Year Survivor' as she cheered and waved at us. As we passed this house, a little girl walking beside me also noticed the sign and said, "Wow, she's been a survivor for almost three times as long as I've been alive." While I enjoyed the walk and joked around with my friends during this time, it was also a time of reflection and quietly observing others' experience of this day as well. This little girl's comment really put things into a new perspective, sent my mind wondering what the past 20 years have been like for that woman we passed sitting on her porch. Living each day, month, year wondering if the disease will return. Wondering if she will see children, grandchildren grow up. Witness marriages, birthdays, and graduations. Hoping for a cure during her lifetime so that experiencing these things seem more realistic than just wishing upon them.

It is impossible to describe the feeling of being among so many people who came together for the same cause. Especially in a time where hearing of wars and oil spills and politics that often divide so many people in opinion and values has become the norm. Not on this day. It was far greater than any of us individually. Breast cancer affects so many people--it doesn't discriminate and no one is exempt because of socioeconomic status or who you know. Many women are without access to preventative health care, which results in being diagnosed at a later stage, at which time fewer options for successful treatment are available. This should not be the case! We can all make a difference. Even if it's $30 to participate in a 5k or $10 donated through the website. Please excuse the cliche', but every dollar is one step closer to finding a cure for this disease, to providing preventative care to so many women without it, providing education on early detection, and research into a cure. We can all make an impact. Why would we not want to live in a world where we get to enjoy our mothers, sisters, grandmothers, daughters, cousins, aunts, friends, wives for as long as we possibly can?

I'm so thankful I was able to participate in this event. Healthy and with the ability to run and walk, unlike so many people who have lost their lives to this disease. I'm thankful for the people who provided me with the names of their loved ones and allowed me to walk "in memory of" and/or "in celebration of" them. Especially when someone's struggle with this disease can be so personal. And I'm thankful for my friends who participated in this experience with me, for putting up with all of my staged photos and following me on my quest for a Chick-fil-A sandwich, only to learn there were none.

I'm already looking forward to next year's race and I hope you will, too. I guarantee that you will leave with a renewed hope that the cure for breast cancer will be found during your lifetime.

So, this is what love feels like...

I'm so in love with...running!! This hasn't always been the case, though. After years of cheering, tumbling, and dancing where I was too hard-headed to listen to coaches telling me I was landing incorrectly when doing toe-touches and other jumps, my knees have grown intolerable to any type of high-impact exercise. Or so I thought. It's amazing the difference a great pair of shoes (the right shoes) and a change in technique can make. A couple of months ago, I decided to give running a second (make that fifth) chance in order to challenge myself and get out of this workout rut I felt like I had fallen into. I could take any class or use any machine at the gym, but you could not get me on a treadmill or running. Ever. And so the challenge began.

I think running is indescribable to someone who doesn't experience it for themselves. That may sound dramatic, but it's true. And I mean really running. There wasn't anything someone could have told me to make me love running before I tried it myself. Once you experience that "runner's high," I think you're pretty much hooked. It no longer seems like a mundane task you must complete before indulging in whatever junk food you prefer. It becomes this block of time where you're aware of nothing else going on around you. You're just running. You can think about everything. Or think about nothing at all. I find myself doing a little of both. Some days I have so much on my mind, I just run until I'm exhausted and I can't think anymore. And it's a great way to process things before making a decision or acting on impulse. I usually run for several miles if I'm debating something...like "Should I send that email?" or "Should I give them a piece of my mind?!" If I still want to do those things after I run, I'll either run some more or follow through with whatever I was debating if I'm confident in that decision. Other times I think about nothing and just allow myself to focus on my music and each movement I make. Either way, the feeling is the same when I'm finished. It's refreshing. It's exhausting. I'm left wanting more.

My first race was the Running of the Bulls 8k in Durham last Saturday to benefit the YMCA's youth programs and DurhamCares. Yep, 8k. I thought I was pretty much crazy for making an 8k my first race ever, without even having attempted a 5k to provide a baseline of sorts, giving me an idea of my time and help me set goals for the next race. Some coworkers of mine were already signed up and I just followed suit. Being in the race was such an adrenaline rush! And running 5 miles in 54:07 (not great, but survival was the goal, not speed!) provided such a sense of accomplishment. I would never have imagined I could run 5 miles at once. Swim, yes. I was used to swimming great distances with my competitive swim team growing up. But not run. Walking away from that race 30 minutes later, I was already looking forward to the next race! Later that day, I "rewarded" myself with two huge slices of Pepper's Pizza (and anyone who's been to Pepper's on Frankin Street knows this is not an exaggeration) with extra pepperoni and lots of red velvet cake. Let's just say it definitely turned into a punishment later that day and into Sunday. I wouldn't advise anyone to do that, although I'm probably the only one inexperienced enough to try that! I'll stick with watermelon and a bagel for the next post-race meal.

Two days from now, I'll be running the Komen Race for the Cure 5k in Raleigh. I'm running "in celebration of" Catina Hester, Cynthia Daye, Janie A. Reese, Amber Fair, Hettie Lyons x 2, and Sandra Rose. I'm also running "in memory of" Pat Buckner and Josephine "Polly" White. I imagine this will be a humbling experience as I run/walk among so many survivors of this terrible disease. I'll post pictures after the event. And if you have a name you'd like added to my shirt, please let me know on Facebook by tomorrow at 5 pm. I also plan to run a Half-Marathon (13.1 miles) with my friend, Tonia, in November. That race is dedicated to those who have served and are currently serving in our armed forces. I plan to run to honor my brother, Cpl. James Benefield, who just returned in February from a year-long tour in Iraq. I may not run 13.1 miles (actually, I know I won't), but I will cross that finish line if I have to crawl across it.

Here's the upcoming races I'm planning to run in. Feel free to join me in any one!

Komen Race for the Cure 5k; Raleigh, NC; 06/12/10

Lumbee Homecoming 5k; Pembroke, NC; 07/03/10

YWCA Race for Change 5k; High Point, NC; 08/28/10

Tunnel to Towers 5k; Wake Forest, NC; 09/11/10

Patrol Stroll to benefit MADD 5k; Raleigh, NC; 09/25/10

Battleship North Carolina Half-Marathon; Wilmington, NC; 11/07/10

Eve Carson Memorial 5k; Chapel Hill, NC; 11/20/10

So cheers to running! And running for causes greater than myself.

Help A Child With Cancer!!

As many of you know (and some don't), I'm the Director for the Chapel Hill Chapter of the Queen for a Day/Hero for a Day programs. These programs provide quality of life services through play therapy programs to pediatric cancer patients, mine being at UNC Children's Hospital (see, I did tie it into UNC for those of you wondering what the connection was!). Queen for a Day and Hero for a Day is part of the For a Day Foundation, which strives to provide exciting and therapeutic programs to children receiving treatment at major pediatric hospitals across the country.



The objective of the Queen for a Day and Hero for a Day programs is to help children feel better about themselves even when they're not feeling well. The physical and psychological effects of receiving cancer treatments can be so discouraging to children and adolescents, especially when these effects include hair loss, changes in skin tone and texture, and diminished self-esteem and confidence. The Queen for a Day program consists of manicures, makeovers, and dressing up with State and National titleholders (Miss North Carolina and Miss USA) where each girl receives her own sash and crown. The Hero for a Day program consists of celebrating the heroes in our community (law enforcement officers, fire/rescue, etc.), encouraging the patients to face their illness with bravery and courage. The children LOVE seeing the fire trucks, State Trooper and police cars, and ambulances! There are also games, pictures taken, and other activities that makes for a full day of excitement for the patients and volunteers. Of course these programs are not gender specific, so any child may participate in either program, regardless of gender, as these events are held simulataneously.

Since this is entirely voluntary, my event planning has been put on hold while I transitioned back to Greensboro and began a new position within a new agency. But I'm back at it and I need your help! I have plenty of connections in the pageant industry, but since I am no longer on Facebook, I need help with obtaining my "heroes" for upcoming events. If you know of any "hero" (Law Enforcement, Fire/Rescue/EMS, etc.) that would like to be part of an upcoming Hero for a Day event at the UNC Children's Hospital, please pass along my email address (ashleyward927@gmail.com) or link to this post so that we may discuss their participation further!

I am in the process of creating my own Chapter website, but you may visit the National website if you would like to learn more. http://www.qfad.org/ You can find more information about local chapters, information on how to start your own Chapter, or volunteer with a Chapter that has already been established.

There are no events planned at this time, but I will update info regarding the planning process in the near future.

Thanks for your help!

To Recruit Or Not To Recruit?

Kentucky lost. I'm glad. (Sorry, Daisy!) Even if it meant that my bracket was busted for good. I was so tired of hearing about John Wall and how Roy didn't recruit him and his reasons for not doing so. If they had continued winning and eventually won the Title, we would've never heard the end of it. I'm sure of it.

In doing my research, I've come across different things about John Wall that lead me to believe Roy was right in not recruiting him. Getting kicked out of schools for fighting, not doing well academically which resulted in getting kicked off a team, and various other things, led him to hop between different high schools in Raleigh before settling at a private Christian school where he was allowed to play basketball. Roy simply said he wasn't a "good fit" for Carolina when responding to questions about his lack of effort in recruiting Wall. I agree. Especially if these things I've uncovered while doing my research are true. Why bring negative publicity to Carolina? Yes, people can change. And I'm certainly one who believes in second chances. But these behaviors occurred over years, not a month or two or even three, which leads me to believe the behavior would be harder to correct.

Has everyone forgotten the many headlines involving college athletes that have been scattered across the past couple of seasons? Let's talk about the three Tennessee football players who robbed a convenient store. Yep, that seemed like the straw that broke the camel's back to send Lane running to USC. And Ty Lawson's DUI a couple of years ago? We heard about that briefly and then it "went away". And Blount punching the other player after being taunted after a close football game, which led debates on whether he should be suspended for an entire season or face an alternative consequence. I'm not so naive to think that other things don't happen and get swept under the rug that we never hear about. Any Google search will show you long histories of athletes' behaviors at any given school. I was disappointed in what I found on UNC! Disappointed, but not surprised. It's politics. But what I'm more interested in is the history of these players' behaviors before being recruited.

Several people I've talked with have had good arguments for recruiting a player with a questionable background, but none have won me over so far. Throughout the season, it was clear that Kentucky had just as good of a shot at the National Title as Kansas did as they flip-flopped between 1 and 2 in the polls each week. I admit I was more than a little nervous. No way did I want a team with a player many people expected Carolina to recruit to go on to win the most coveted title in college basketball. And each week when the polls came out, I'd have to hear someone remind me that we didn't recruit Wall. Everyone wants a National Title, but at what cost? Is it worth it to recruit a player who could potentially continue previous behaviors, bring negative publicity to the school, and then leave after only playing one year? Am I the only one who seems like this is selling our soul to the devil for a chance at a National Title?! That's exactly what it seems like to me.

Of course Kentucky coach John Calipari probably wouldn't quite see it this way. Especially not when controversy seems to follow him from school to school. When he was at UMass, star player Marcus Camby accepted gifts and prostitutes from an agent, which Calipari knew about. This violation required them to vacate their 1996 NCAA Tournament record. Then when he moved on to Memphis, he was successful at recruiting Dajuan Wagner after hiring his father as Coordinator of Basketball Operations. Calipari was also successful in securing Tyreke Evans' commitment when he hired Evans' strength coach as his administrative assistant. But nope, it doesn't stop there. Derrick Rose had his brother travel to all away games for free, as well as had someone else take his SAT's for him in order to meet Kentucky's minimum requirements for athletes to be admitted. These violations required Kentucky to vacate their entire 2007-2008 season. And that's just the things that have surfaced! Who knows what else we will never know. And yet Kentucky chose to pursue him as their coach, even after all of this controversy. I have yet to hear about any controversy swirling around Wall's recruitment process, but that kind of stuff usually comes out after a player has gone, so I'm sure it's only a matter of time. Then I will take the pleasure in writing a new post about why I'm still happy Roy didn't recruit him.

So if you ask me if it's worth it to recruit top players who may not have the pristine behavior to match their athletic abilities, I'd say no. I'm not expecting a player to never get into trouble. That's not what I'm saying at all. There has to be some evidence that a player has learned from past mistakes, and years of the same behaviors doesn't show growth and progress. And the risk of taking a player like this who could do more damage in negative publicity and morale in one year than can be repaired in a few years is far too great. I know my view is probably an unpopular one, but I don't care. I'll take a less than alright season (like this year) before taking a player who is great on the court but unpredictable off the court any day of the week.

And I'm willing to admit that part of the reason could be that I just don't like John Wall. I don't. He's a great basketball player with incredible ability. Coupled with DeMarcus Cousins, you have a lethal pair. But there is power in being humble. And humble is definitely not an adjective I would use to describe Wall. The opposite, actually. John Wall is so arrogant and self-centered, I can't stand it. The sound of his name makes me turn the channel and the sight of him irritates me. It annoys me that people at UK refer to him as "God" and that ridiculous dance he does makes him look foolish. And is that sleeve really medically necessary? I seriously doubt it. When players come a place of being on a pedestal and go to a place of being put on an even higher pedestal with a coach who does little to control these antics, it's difficult to be humble. Difficult, but not impossible. So congratulations, John, you succeeded at recruiting one of the most arrogant and deviant players in college basketball. Later, we'll find out what you did to get him in blue.

So yes, I took joy in seeing Kentucky lose. Even though I had them in the Championship game losing to Kansas and my bracket had long been busted. I didn't care. I was satisfied that I could hear less and less about how Roy didn't recruit Wall and get ready to move on to next season when our amazing recruits can, hopefully, get us out of this rut we're in. I hope Wall heads to the NBA and disappears into the sunset, never to be seen or heard again in college basketball. Yep, that's my hope.

When it comes to recruiting, it's all about who is a "good fit" for a particular school and the lengths a coach is willing to go to obtain these all-star players. Some coaches make decisions based on what will propel them forward personally and professionally without bothering to evaluate how their decisions will ripple throughout a team, a school, a community, a sport. And it's all about what allows you to go to sleep at night. I would like to think that Calipari is sleeping on a bed of gravel with a pillow made of stone for all the corruption that swirls around his name. But hey, you almost made it to the Final Four, so it was all worth it, right? Nope. Almost doesn't count.

Busted Bracket

I hate losing. Really hate losing. My bracket was totally busted when Syracuse, Kansas, Villanova, Ohio State, Temple, and Kentucky lost. There are others, but I'll stop there. This was the first year I participated in an official bracket challenge, so I was all about making sure my bracket was perfect, or near-perfect, so I'd come out on top. It wasn't about winning the money, it was about winning. Any other time, I'd hope to see as many upsets as possible because that's what makes the tourney exciting. Not this year. I wanted everything to go according to my bracket. Everything started going bad in the second round and it was all downhill from there. But it was fun seeing people change positions as the rounds progressed and looking at everyone else's brackets to see their picks. Then it was no longer fun when I hit bottom and stayed there.

Yep, last place:
http://games.espn.go.com/tcmen/en/group?groupID=17173

And now I have to endure a year of Duke fans gloating and talking junk. My best friend is a Duke fan. We don't even talk on game days. And now our friendship will consist of a year of dark blue, boasting, and a reminder of all the teams my Heels lost to on our way to the NIT. Yes, Duke is the National Champion. Ok, I said it. It's not surprising, though. Their path was the easiest with their region having the weakest seeds. But their final game didn't come as easy as most people thought...not like my Heels made it look last year that prompted some people to file out of the Dean Dome early and start the celebration on Franklin Street before the final buzzer even sounded. Nope. They were worried. Right down to Butler's last-second shot that made you hold your breath as you watched it travel from almost halfcourt as it hit the rim and bounced away. What a perfect Cinderella ending that would have been. Who would've ever thought that Butler could've made it this far? And although I like Jennifer Hudson, I don't like her singing 'One Shining Moment.' That's just one of those things you don't mess with. Leave it to Luther.

Let's hope Roy and the boys can get it together next year because I'm already counting down to basketball season. Our recruits are inheriting a mess to clean up. In the meantime, I'll enjoy baseball and football. Starting with the Spring Blue-White game this Saturday. Hopefully we'll see what we have to look forward to this football season.

GO BUTLER!!

The article says it all!! I couldn't have described the hatred for Duke better myself...

http://www.news-record.com/content/2010/04/01/article/blue_devils_despised_and_it_starts_with_coach_k